What Are Your Go-To Reactions at Work?
What Are Your Go-To Reactions at Work?
Understanding what feelings you and your team members default to under stress gives you a window into working better with others.
In corporate America, we are not usually too concerned with the business of feelings.
WE ARE SHAREHOLDER VALUE MACHINES WHO MUST BE FOCUSED ON RELENTLESS GROWTH. EMOTIONS DON’T DRIVE QUARTERLY EARNINGS, RESULTS DO.
Except here’s the thing.
Feelings drive thoughts.
Thoughts drive actions.
And actions drive results.
Imagine three members of your team who just found out they got passed over for a promotion they’d really hoped to get.
Asha feels ashamed that they didn’t make the cut. Beth is furious that they were strung along. Chloe might feel jealousy towards the person that did get the promotion.
The feeling they naturally and automatically go to first under stress (shame for Asha, anger for Beth, jealousy for Chloe) is what I call their default emotional reaction.
Asha feels ashamed when they get passed over for a promotion, but I bet shame is a familiar feeling whenever anything challenging happens, such as a poor annual review or conflict with a peer.
And what about when something good happens? What positive feelings do they have when they finally get that promotion?
Maybe Asha feels a lot of gratitude to the manager that recommended them, Beth feels pride in their own hard work, and Chloe feels optimistic about the future.
None of these feelings are good or bad or right or wrong. They simply are. And the more you understand your own default emotional states and those of the people you work with, the better your work relationships will be.
Negative Emotions at Work
I bet most of us have had every single one of these feelings at one time or another (not only at work, but in our personal lives too).
But there are probably two or three that pop up the most often for you
I invite you to review this list, and make a note of a few that feel most familiar to you.
Frustration: Feeling blocked or hindered in achieving goals, often due to obstacles, inefficiencies, or lack of support.
Stress: Experiencing pressure or feeling overwhelmed by workload, deadlines, or high expectations.
Resentment: Harboring feelings of bitterness or unfairness, often due to perceived inequities, lack of recognition, or overwork.
Anxiety or Fear: Worrying about performance, job security, or future outcomes, leading to a state of nervousness or fear.
Anger: Reacting to perceived wrongs, such as unfair treatment, criticism, or conflicts with colleagues.
Disappointment: Feeling let down when expectations are not met, whether due to personal performance, team dynamics, or organizational decisions.
Jealousy: Envying others' success, recognition, or perceived advantages, such as better opportunities or relationships with management.
Insecurity: Doubting one's abilities, fearing failure, or feeling uncertain about one’s position or value in the organization.
Boredom: Experiencing a lack of engagement or interest in work tasks, leading to a sense of monotony or stagnation.
Loneliness: Feeling isolated or disconnected from colleagues, often due to remote work, lack of collaboration, or poor team dynamics.
Guilt: Feeling remorse or regret, often due to work-life imbalance, unmet responsibilities, or ethical dilemmas.
Disillusionment: Losing faith or enthusiasm for the job, often due to unmet expectations, broken promises, or a disconnect between personal values and the organization's actions.
Embarrassment: Feeling self-conscious or humiliated, often due to mistakes, criticism, or being put on the spot.
Despair: A deep sense of hopelessness or helplessness, often stemming from chronic stress, burnout, or a toxic work environment.
Regret: Wishing past decisions or actions had been different, often related to missed opportunities or mistakes at work.
The Universe of Positive Emotions
There are at least as many positive emotions as there are negative.
Which of the following positive emotions feel most relevant for you?
When something great happens, what is your default emotional reaction?
If your default emotional reaction to something great is a negative feeling, that’s worth noticing as well.
Satisfaction: A sense of fulfillment and contentment with the work accomplished or goals achieved.
Joy: Feeling happiness or delight, often from positive interactions, accomplishments, or a pleasant work environment.
Pride: A feeling of self-respect and accomplishment, often from achieving goals, receiving recognition, or contributing to the team.
Gratitude: Feeling thankful for support, opportunities, or positive experiences at work.
Excitement: Anticipating something positive or engaging, such as a new project, opportunity, or challenge.
Motivation: A strong drive to achieve goals, complete tasks, or contribute to the team’s success.
Confidence: Believing in one’s abilities and feeling assured in the work being done.
Connection: Experiencing a sense of belonging, camaraderie, or strong relationships with colleagues.
Inspiration: Feeling creatively stimulated or energized by new ideas, challenges, or the work environment.
Relief: A sense of ease or comfort after resolving a difficult situation or completing a challenging task.
Empowerment: Feeling in control and capable of making decisions or taking actions that impact the work positively.
Optimism: Having a positive outlook on the future, expecting good outcomes or success in projects and goals.
Trust: Feeling secure and confident in the reliability, honesty, and competence of colleagues or leadership.
Engagement: Being fully absorbed and enthusiastic about the work, leading to a state of flow or deep focus.
Admiration: Respecting and valuing the qualities, achievements, or contributions of colleagues or leaders.
The Universe of Neutral Emotions
There are many of us who are not prone to immediate, strong, positive or negative reactions.
We might tend toward feelings that are more neutral in tenor, but may show up just as frequently.
Do you experience any of the following emotions as neutral, or do you tend to think about them in a more positive or negative light?
Curiosity: A desire to learn or know more about something.
Anticipation: Looking forward to or expecting something, without a strong positive or negative leaning.
Surprise: A reaction to something unexpected, which can be positive, negative, or neutral depending on the situation.
Interest: Engagement or attention focused on something, without strong positive or negative feelings.
Acceptance: Acknowledgment of a situation or reality, without necessarily feeling good or bad about it.
Confusion: A state of being unsure or unclear, which can be resolved in various ways.
Nostalgia: A sentimental longing for the past, which can evoke mixed feelings.
Contemplation: Reflective thinking or considering something deeply, often without a clear emotional direction.
Calmness: A state of being tranquil or at ease, which is often neutral but can be perceived as positive in stressful situations.
Ambivalence: Having mixed feelings or being torn between two conflicting emotions or opinions.
Indifference: A lack of strong feelings or interest in a situation or outcome.
Surprise: A reaction to something unexpected, which can be positive, negative, or neutral depending on the situation.
Writing Exercise
I frequently offer writing prompts as ways for you to reflect. If you keep all the prompts in one place (either a notebook or Google doc), you will have a pretty good start at a future book, memoir, or leadership manual!
Make a list of the last three times you felt great at work and the last three times you felt bad. What was happening? Who was involved?
Which positive, negative, or neutral emotions would you use to describe the way you felt in those scenarios? Are the emotions you chose familiar to you? Are they things you feel frequently at work?
When you’re having strong feelings at work, how do the people around you know? When you’re feeling negative emotions, do you clench your jaw, make sarcastic jokes, freeze people out, narrow your eyes, get very quiet? When you’re feeling positive emotions, do you laugh, compliment others, lean forward, pay closer attention, ask questions?
Caution!
The name of the game here is self awareness, not other-awareness.
Caution #1: Don’t label anyone else’s go-to emotional reactions, even if it seems obvious to you. Even when you’re right, you can make people feel self conscious and defensive. It’s much better to comment on their behaviors (if that is appropriate given your relationship) than what you think their feelings are.
Caution #2: Don’t tell anyone what they SHOULD be feeling, good or bad. You can comment on their behavior if it’s troubling, but steer clear of evaluating, encouraging, or discouraging real or perceived emotions.
Start to Pay Attention
Look at your own patterns, and just start to notice.
For me, resentment is my default negative emotional reaction.
I’m not quick to rage or yell, I’m not a very jealous person, and I don’t tend to get mired in regret.
But hooooo boy can I steep in some resentment until I have prune fingers.
I can also easily get into martyr territory, which is closely related to resentment.
My parents say that once when I was five years and they asked me to throw away a piece of trash, I flounced away and said, “why do *I* have to do all the work around here?”
You can imagine that is a feeling I have had often in my work life as well!
So how might my colleagues and direct reports notice I’m feeling resentful? I start to ask nitpicky questions. I’m more likely to micromanage. I make sarcastic jokes with a more bitter edge.
So my job is to notice when I’m feeling resentful and not take it out on other people around me. There’s a little bit of acceptance (“ah, there I go again, being resentful), and a little but of curiosity (“what’s going on right now that’s making me feel this way?”)
You may actually learn to notice the behaviors (snarky comments, micromanaging, nitpicky questions) before you notice the feeling.
On the positive side, I am very prone to excitement. I get easily engaged in interesting projects. Excitement can be a great quality in someone, but I can sometimes unintentionally steamroll a less emotive person with my own enthusiasm.
Again, we’re not trying to change these feelings. We’re watching, we’re noticing, and we’re seeing how they affect our behavior towards others we work with.
Your Turn
I’d love to hear in the comments if this resonates for you.
What are your go-to positive and negative emotions at work?
Do you feel like you play the same hits over and over?
As a leader, how do you help people on your team who get stuck in a negative feeling they can’t seem to get out of?